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Pursuing Alaska

“..And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” Esther 4:14

 

This is one of the few evenings I have that’s quiet, and I can put off homework for tomorrow. I’ve had so many little opportunities to write, but every thought has come out so disoriented. But, I really feel like I need to write something.

Over the past few weeks, my heart has just ached. Not for myself, but for friends who are going through crap. Between relationships, family, horse-sport related, and all of the intricacies of dealing with mental illness, shit happens to a lot of people.  So much in my heart, I just wish I could take their struggle and put it on my plate so they could move on and be happy.

Then this weekend, somewhere between mucking stalls and some trot sets, I realized I had dealt with some of those issues. They were devastating. Not to brag or anything, but I’ve gone through three heart-breaks in my life, a dream-horse sustaining a career-ending injury, and the woes of being the poor horse girl who can’t afford to horse show. To me, now, those things seem so insignificant  as I’ve gone on to do so many greater things, but at the time it was plain shitty. And you’re questioning God and the universe why such a mishap was bestowed on you, because you’re certainly not strong enough to overcome it. But overtime and learning how to cope and make decisions, things get better or you’re just given a new struggle to overcome.

And as I listen to a friend weep over his not-quite-girlfriend but kindof-dating friend who had gone over to mack on another boy, I can give him a good shake and say, “I’ve been there. Stand up for yourself. This will pass…” And in that instance you’re so grateful that you felt that same kind of pain ages ago that they did, because you can offer understanding. So on that day I was grateful for that heart-break.

Then, one of my little horse girls whose juggling growing up and her favorite escape in riding has been taken away in the death of a horse, I can understand that. And I can send the same consolation that I remember that I needed.

Or, the best whose feeling inadequate as the early-20s turn into mid-20s with no soul mate in sight. I can relate. Put on Bodak Yellow and limit your pink-wine intake because you’ll send embarrassing text messages to the wrong boy.

And it’s all accumulating that maybe all of those really shitty experiences happened just for a time like this. And, if they were all so purposeful so that I could influence even one person, allow it all on me Jesus because I’m not scared.

I thought again of Job who had his family, farm, and skin taken away as his friends watched horrified and asking him what he had done wrong. Surely he suffered and questioned the God that could allow this thing to happen. How was he to know his story of faith was going to be put in the Bible? Literally, his name is the name of a book in the Bible. And he was ok, he made it through.

See, I mean I’m not a strong person. I cry, and I literally had a meltdown this week.  I told my best I was never going to attend another social gathering again-in-my-life, but even now with that thought that the worst of decisions and worst of life can be used, I can be confident that these struggles are placed in front of me for a purpose, if not so I can help just one person.

It’s so freeing to be confident in your purpose. I still wish that now I could take each one of my friends’ struggles, because I know that through faith all works for the good that trust in Him. Even if I don’t feel that great on this Earth. The voice that always runs through my head when I’m challenged is little Queen Esther who was snatched to be-wed this king, and then save her people.  We never really know whether the king was loving or abusive, or if she even loved him, but her Uncle tells her in comfort, “perhaps the Lord put you here for such a time as this” as she saves thousands of lives by trumping the King’s right-hand man by preparing a good meal.

So find some comfort where you are. I certainly don’t want this to be a post bragging about my sorry mistakes, because as Anna Farris says, “I’m Unqualified” to give advice, but my hope is that you’ll start pursuing a purpose. And while some of my issues have been used to offer understanding  towards other people, it could be that it was so they could meet the love-of-their life and move to Alaska.

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