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Trap Queen

Edited to add. This is the current song of my heart. The lyrics seem to be echoing off of my heartstrings. Somewhere between guilt and grace, both fighting for a sacred space.

Trap Queen: loyal, respectful, and wise women. both street smart & book smart. respectful to her family and, friends. loyal to her lover. she has style and admirers, many haters but considers them fans. (Urban Dictionary)

Nick Miller, tell me what to write, but don't tell me what to write.
Nick Miller, tell me what to write, but don’t tell me what to write.

This will be my third attempt at writing my next post. I don’t know if you would call it writer’s block or my mind has been traveling a hundred different places. Literally, my second attempt I called “Trap Queen.” That lasted three minutes publicly before I deleted the draft. (*Edited. So I did end up naming this blog trap queen.)

gracie winsThis past weekend was a great success! Gracie won her Preliminary division at Marlborough on a really tough cross-country course. She was step-perfect; I could not have had more fun! It’s a nice feeling when you’re on a horse who not only has the athleticism for some big jumps but actually wants to take you over them. She was the lowest score in all three divisions, so we won a pretty turnout blanket. Just in time, as the mornings are already cold enough you can wear a light sweater.

This sets us up perfectly to run Preliminary at Loch Moy before running my very first CCI 1* at Virginia! I’m already planning jog outfits, suggestions appreciated. Can I wear a hat?

It’s an incredible time, but if you remember my hopeful post last week i can’t deny that I’ve let my blinders fall a few times since.  I can’t lie. I am so excited about the future. Gracie and I hit the 1.2m mark jumping today. While it was a single oxer after a gymnastic I always feel like 1.2m is officially really big. But, again just like Peter in a time so exciting, running on top of the water, the second I look around and doubt, poor Miss Boyd (my dearest friend) is stuck sending me pep talks and smiley emojis. My confidence was rocked and my heart sore after a break up.

Your pony loves you!
Your pony loves you!

One hard part about a break-up is the acknowledgement that maybe you’re not as great as you thought you were. It’s so easy to be trapped in a cycle of doubt, sadness, and worry that the type of person you are isn’t the right type of person.  That’s always been a theme through grade school and social scenes. In some scenes I’m too feminine, too girly. Then in others I’m too course. I certainly have lofty goals and am willing to be risky to get what my heart desires. But then, I am scared to be alone. I need my band of friends and mentors to push me.

Today, I was trying to figure out what kind of woman I was supposed to be.

Proverbs 31 says :

“Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” 

Great. Not only am I ridiculously charming and beautiful…. jokes jokes.

I’ve been searching for a Biblical woman to compare myself with. Certainly I do not yet possess the meekness of Mary, the braveness of Esther.

However, ironically I’ve been in a Bible plan covering the journey of the Queen of Sheba. She is a woman I can relate to. Sheba travelled fifteen hundred miles (It took me 15 hours to make it to Annapolis.) She had one goal in mind. (I had only one goal in mind.)

She travelled to King Solomon to seek wisdom. 1 Kings 10:1 says that she travelled when she heard the fame of Solomon. “…She came to test him with hard questions.” That sounds like me. Here is a woman independent and driven seeking wisdom and truth. How evident it is that God was calling to this Queen; it was ordained and orchestrated by God. (Says my Bible App.) After she had seen Solomon’s great riches and tested him with her questions she has one really long paragraph where she speaks. (Again, this is like me because I only communicate in very long novel text messages.) The synopsis of her speech says that

“But I did not believe those things until I came and saw them with my own eyes….Praise by to the Lord your God, who has delighted in you and placed you on the throne…”

Sounds like me. I have to do things on my own, stir it around, realize my own mistakes. Then, I accept and understand the Lord’s plan. At the end of the story Sheba gives the King great gifts.  Then the King gave Sheba all that she desired  and asked for, besides what he had given her out of his royal bounty. Then she went home. I feel like Sheba and I shared similar characteristics both good and bad. Maybe she shares the same sassiness and ability to push buttons, like I do. But maybe she’s a Trap Queen too.

I can see so much of this story with my walk with God. I had to travel pretty far, not because He wasn’t where I was previously, but I needed to find and see for myself.

Trap Queen: loyal, respectful, and wise women. both street smart & book smart. respectful to her family and, friends. loyal to her lover. she has style and admires, many haters but considers them fans. (Urban Dictionary)

*When you’re down and need a boost. Blaring Trap Queen on high with your windows rolled down helps. Really.

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